The Anus is a One-Way Street

Working one day in the ER, I see an ambulance crew bringing in a patient on a stretcher face down with his back-side up in the air.  This is not the usual mode of transport for patients on stretchers.  I follow the crew, along with the nurse, into the room to see what is going on with this man.  He's a man who appears to be in his late 50's and smells like a dirty laundry basket onto which someone spilled a 40 ounce beer.  When I walk into the room I notice he appears to be bleeding fairly heavily from his rectum. I go up to the paramedic to get some history before going to interview the patient.

"What's going?  What happened ?"
"He was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by the police" the paramedic said.
"Okay.  So why is he bleeding from the rectum?"
"He said he has a broken beer glass in his rectum".

Okay this should be interesting I think to myself.  Now on to interviewing the patient.  I go into the room and begin to hear the patient's version of how his injury occurred.  He proceeds to tell me how he was drinking and driving.  He tells me he was driving down the road drinking beer from a regular 16 ounce beer glass and apparently going the wrong way down a one-way street.  He said when he saw the lights from the police car and realized he was being pulled-over that he didn't want to get caught drinking and driving with an open container of alcohol, so he stuffed the beer glass up his anus.

"So you mean to tell me from the time you saw the police car you had time to pull over, pull your pants down and place the beer glass up your anus?"  I'm not buying it, but that was his story and he stuck to it.

Now the real story comes out.  It just turns out this is just a guy who drinks a lot and has a fetish for sticking things up his anus.  Unfortunately, this time he picked an object that could not withstand the compressive forces of his lower gi tract.  When his wife shows up to the ER, she is not surprised by these events at all.  Apparently, this was not his first time to the rectal rodeo.  She reported he had been to various ERs on several occasions to have rectal foreign bodies removed.  This time was different though.  This time he would end up leaving the hospital 4 days later with a colostomy because of the injury to his colon from the shards of broken glass.  Hope he had fun.

After years in the ER, the list of rectal foreign bodies I've seen is long and varied.   Candles, various fruits and vegetables, lightbulbs, curtain rods, hotdogs, peanut butter jars, ice cream scoops, beer bottles, steak sauce bottles and of course, vibrators.   Never have seen a gerbil, though.   I've heard about it, just never have seen it.

This seem to be more of a problem with men.  When a woman comes in, it's usually just the garden variety vibrator.... and half the time she didn't put it there.   With men though, it's a different story.  You just never know what it will be.  It's usually the story of how it got there that is the most exciting.  I always wonder what the insurance company thinks when they receive the bill from the hospital.  Of course, most of the folks doing this type of thing don't have insurance.  Another cost of healthcare pushed off onto the insured.

So remember, the anus is a one-way street!